Light Bulb

Why do we try to manipulate everything around us so that we have complete control over how the world views our efforts? I've convinced myself that my goals are bigger than God, and my plan is greater than His. I know I'm not the only one to believe the lie that God's grace is not sufficient, but seriously, how did I get here?

My sister gave me a book to read titled "Love Focused" by Bob & Judy Hughes, and this prayer stuck out to me. It is exactly my prayer to the Lord right now.

"I confess that in many ways I have been trusting in the world rather than in you to satisfy my heart and meet my needs. I admit that I have rebelled against you and tried to control people and things, and that my efforts have harmed others and prevented me from truly loving them. Because I have chosen to deny your promise that your love and grace are enough, I have pridefully believed I can make life work without relying on you. I confess that I have focused more on getting the outcomes of my life to be the way I wanted instead of pursuing your perfect plan. I confess that I have often focused more on trying to produce pleasure and eliminate pain in my life than on following your command to simply love..."

Trusting in the world and not in the Lord to satisfy my needs. I have been spending money that I don't have, buying clothes I don't need just to fill a void. The worst part is buying make up to fix the flaws that no one notices but myself so that I can somehow convince others that I have it all together. How does that make sense? It doesn't.

My actions have prevented me from truly loving others. For months I have wanted to actively make it a point to reach out to others in love. Still, I have somehow focused my day on getting my needs met and my goals accomplished so that I can sleep well at night. I have convinced myself that I can make life work without relying on Christ. I have gone day after day living in my oh so comfortable pride that tells me that I don't need Him to succeed. It's funny though, because at the end of the day, successful or not, I know that I am running on empty. At the end of the day, taking that hour to read my bible first thing in the morning is going to enable me to do better work than if I started my day off with just enough time to answer a few emails before my morning meeting.

My goals in life have consumed me recently. How can my pride protect me, my agenda, my comfort, my sanity? It can't. From buying my first car to choosing my career path to figuring out where I want to live/do with my life next year, it's all too much. All these goals have left me exhausted and spent. If I don't make a new goal soon, my tank will be depleting. New goal, pray that I keep it: love God first, then love others. Let God do the rest.