Until you have it all.

These are just some thoughts......... I hope they make sense.
I have been looking for a place to live in Denton for when I start ministry in the next month or so. And this has led me to feel the most anxious I have felt in a long time. Let me give you some background -- my whole life I have struggled with anxiety and fear until a few years ago, and I am convinced God healed me. Jesus confronted that sin and has brought a ton of victory to that area. But I still feel anxious from time to time. This is the first time I have felt anxiety the way I used to feel it. Overcoming, crippling. I have so many desires for what I want out of my life in Denton, and some of them are non-negotiable, but some are just desires........ and not all of them can be met. I have this long list of considerations and feel like nothing is perfect or good enough. I am putting my desires ahead of God's desire for my life, and putting my own wants in front of my needs, the needs that God knows and is faithfully providing for.

This morning I prayed three simple requests: that God would find a place where I could live with another believer, be close to campus, and something long term. Later today I was talking to God while driving (I do this a lot), and thinking about all the different things I want in a living situation. My mind was racing, and God just intervened. He said to me: "At some point, you just have to die to yourself." 

It was pretty clear. I didn't know what to say. He is so right...... at some point, I need to just lay down my desires at the foot of the cross and just die to myself.

In my last post I talked about how God is so relentless in His pursuit of us. This weekend at church we sang a worship song that spoke directly to this subject..... here are some of the lyrics:

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

(listen to the song here)

As I sang these words I felt this deep joy that God had all of me, grateful that He doesn't relent until He has all of us. Today God revealed to me that He doesn't have all of me, because I am holding it back from Him!! Here I am, thinking that I have given every part of my life over in surrender to Christ when in reality I am clinging on to this idea of what I selfishly want my life to be. God gently reminded me of the day on the beach in Florida when I decided to come on staff with Campus Crusade. I didn't say "yes Jesus, you can have my life, but only if you make everything around me and all my circumstances comfortable and clean" ......no, I remember specifically crying out to God in overwhelming surrender of my life and saying "I will follow you, I will be obedient, I will do what you say regardless of the cost." 

I'm so grateful He revealed this to me today in the car. Who am I to think He wont perfectly provide for me, even if it is not "comfortable and clean." He wants me to die to myself, lay down my own ideas, and just follow Him. I have an opportunity to do that today, to follow Him regardless of the cost, and I don't want to miss it.

Remind me.

More than ever I feel the weight of my circumstances pressing in on me, yet simultaneously I feel so covered by God's grace. I am overwhelmed by how many prayers He has been faithful to answer, even though His answer may not be what I wanted to hear. There is a sense of God's ultimate protection in the midst of consistent rejection -- and something about that is just comforting. 

In His kindness God called you to His eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ. After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you and He will place you on a firm foundation. 

1 Peter 5:10

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

God truly is my only refuge, my solid foundation. He knows me intimately, knows my desires, my fears and my hopes for the future. He knows them all and loves me relentlessly, with a jealous love that will not stop until He has my whole heart. God is crazy about me. And about you. The reality is this: the future will always be unknown, scary, unsure -- but God comforts in the midst of uncertainty. God calms the anxious heart and reminds me He has graciously called me from death to life. There is a fullness in this life that He already has prepared for me to experience and to walk through. I will tell you, this place that I'm in, it feels like a crawl. It feels like I am crawling through the mud and clinging so hard to Jesus so I don't sink. And it is so good. He is faithful to remind me that I have been called, justified, rescued from the fire, from the depths of my sinful nature. The Holy Spirit tapping on my heart convicting and calling me to repentance to refine me again. 

God's grace is amazing, because it's undeserved. So even in this moment when I feel myself sinking and I cry out to God for help -- the sheer fact that He hears and even cares to respond is remarkable. I don't deserve to be pulled out of the mud. Nothing in me deserves to be abundantly blessed by those who have little but love much. But this is the love of Jesus. We don't deserve it, yet because of His relentless pursuit of our hearts, He offers it -- free of charge to us, but at an incredible cost for Him. Has anyone ever saved you from drowning, throwing himself into the raging sea to drown on your behalf? On a larger scale, Jesus did that on the cross. He humbled Himself to come in front of us, bear our sin, let Himself be nailed to a cross, brutally killing Him, to take the full punishment for our sin. 

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 

2 Peter: 3-9

Jesus, remind me, you never give up -- your patience is unlimited. Your sacrifice was too costly, and you love us too much to even allow one sheep to stray away from you. You will not stop until we are yours.

A Heart of Gratitude

God has been revealing where my heart truly is. I've been challenged by the Scriptures to look at myself and see some things that aren't so pretty. He has revealed to me how ungrateful I truly am in regards to His provision for me. His grace is amazing, and wholly undeserved, yet I find myself constantly coming back to Him with an entitled heart, asking for more. I have forgotten to make my first word to Him "thank you." Looking back at my prayers lately, God has shown me just how subtly selfish I can be. "Please God, provide, do this, do that" comes quickly out of my mouth.... but something is missing. My church is starting a 10 day devotional of prayer and fasting, and it has been incredibly eye opening and convicting already......and I'm only on day two! This is just a snapshot of what I've been learning:

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12:28

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2

It's clear that God wants us to come to Him with our prayers and petitions. He wants us to bring our requests to Him each morning and wait in expectation for Him to act. (Psalm 5:3) But it is also clear that He wants us to praise Him. He wants the credit, for big and for small. He wants the glory due to His name. I think it's interesting that each speaks of prayer and thanksgiving. There cannot be one without the other. I cannot bring my requests to God without first being thankful in my heart for all that He has accomplished. And not just what he provides day to day, but for what far out-ways all other things -- the immeasurable riches of His grace that saved me from a life of despair and has brought me into new life.

Right now I am asking God to reorient my heart. To open my eyes to the grace He freely gives every day that I am still alive. I'm asking God to lead me toward repentance -- to tear down my idols, mainly myself, and to give me a heart that immediately calls God good for simply being Him. Not for what He can do for me, or what He may will to provide or not provide, but to worship and thank Him for being the author and perfecter of my faith, the One who called me out of darkness by His love, and continues to love me despite myself.

Hope in the darkness.

Campus Crusade for Christ provided miners with the t-shirts they were wearing as they came out. On the back of the shirt in Spanish is Psalm 95:4 "He holds in his hands the depths of the earth and the mightiest mountains."

This story came up on the Campus Crusade staff website, and I really wanted to share it with you. My family and I watched throughout the day as the miners came out one by one from the earth in Chile. When I read this story I had chills, and was so proud of the opportunity the staff in Chile took to share God's message of hope with people trapped in darkness.

mp3 audio tapes sent down to the miners with the Jesus Film and portions of the Bible on it.

Here is the full story.....

Hello team and friends! I want to share with you about the last 2 very intense weeks as we have worked on the project to take the Word of God and the JESUS audio version to the mine, but it has really be worth the effort as it is food for the soul. This long history of the miners that is now passing 2 months has been without doubt the longest survival experience for people trapped underground.
This all started on the August 5, when the San Jose mine collapsed because of the exploration in the mine. The news was not good as it was only 6 months after we had experience the very large earthquake and tsunami. With a population less than other countries in the world, problems like this seem much closer to you and much more like it is part of your own family.

After 2 weeks without news from the miners we could only think the worst. The government had made every effort, but it was reasonable to think that the miners were lost, above all considering the distance where they were located, some 700 meters (2,000 feet) deep with a difficult future to be rescued. But God had other plans and 2 days later (the 17th day), contact with them was made. Obviously we were all very happy and we celebrated the miracle that all were alive.

As Campus Crusade, God guided us to think about how we could help these men and this was how we took the initiative to contact some churches in the north, leaders and authorities about sending the JESUS audio into the mine. It wasn't easy in the beginning because of some apathy in the Christian leadership and a lack of a sense of urgency, together with the restrictive control of the rescue team but, God in His sovereignty provided that we were able to gain contact with the daughter and the brother of 1 of the 3 Christians that were trapped there.

During several weeks, I was in contact with them and I explored the possibility of sending them audio material. Finally, I traveled to the mine with 33 MP3's containing the JESUS audio version and an ample portion of the Bible. I was there for 2 days and we sent the MP3's through each family members that were there.

Jose Samuel, my contact in the mine (father of Hettiz and brother of Gaston) is an extraordinary man who has really surprised me. The psychologists that are giving help from the surface have recognized that he has been a tremendous emotional and spiritual support for the rest of his co-workers.
He sent me a letter that grabbed my attention for his incredible clarity of thought. For example, some parts of the letter are:

• "I want to express my appreciation for this great blessing for me and my co-workers, it will be very good our edification" (He is talking about the MP3's)
• "I am well because Christ lives in me"
• "We have prayer services at 12 a.m. and 6 p.m."
• "I ask all of you for pray not only for us here, but for all the lost people in the world"
• At the end of the letter he signed off with Psalm 95:4, "In his hand are the depths of the earth, and mountain peaks belong to him."

This is a very motivating story, let's continue to pray for the salvation of these souls. Thanks for being part of this. 

Update from Christian Maureira, Chile National Director and translated by Doug Barron

Sarah's Story

I thought I'd share this humbling story of one young woman battling through physical disability to share the good news of Jesus with people all around the world.

Sarah's Story

Interested in learning more about how YOU can be an online missionary and use the internet to reach the world for Jesus, check out the Global Media Outreach website.

My Story

A testimony is an account of something that has happened, basically any factual written or spoken statement. This is my testimony of how I became a believer in Jesus Christ. 

Before I knew Christ, I would have told anyone that I was a Christian because I went to church. I grew up going to church and as I got older, I became very involved. By the time I graduated from high school, my faith had become a social outlet more than anything else. Although I heard truth, my heart was hard, and I never absorbed this truth from those who tried to mentor me. 

I stepped onto campus for my first week as a college freshman, and found myself with no foundation. My goal at that time was just to have the fun college experience I had always heard about. I wanted to break free from being a "church girl" and sought to do this any way I could. I joined a sorority and looked for my identity in parties, a boyfriend, and being accepted by the people I met on campus. To be honest, my life seemed pretty good..... for the first 6 months. Then things started to really spiral. But even in the midst of growing chaos, I still didn't see that I was hurting myself with the choices I was making. Suddenly I found myself moving in with my boyfriend, getting myself into an abusive and unhealthy situation. Life continued to spiral, so I tried my best to do the only thing I knew how: escape. I attempted to run from my reality by turning to alcohol to mask and erase what was happening. But not even the alcohol could erase the consequences of my decisions. Although I laughed at the party, I wasn’t happy, and even though I would not have admitted it, I felt like I had lost myself. I was searching for my worth in the approval of one person and it just didn't hold up. By God's grace I was able to break free from this relationship. But by that time, I was at the lowest point of my life. I remember sitting in my bedroom, thinking: if I continue down this road.....well, I didn't want to think about what would happen to me. I knew at that moment that I had to change, while simultaneously becoming overwhelmed that I couldn't change a thing. I knew that everything I had tried had failed, and knew I had no where else to go. I sat on my bed and thought: "If God is so great, He will help me, and if He is real, now is His only chance to rescue me from this hell and show me who He is."

I reached far back into my book shelf and pulled out a Bible, one that I had not touched since high school. Searching for answers, I started reading in Romans. Answers I looked for, and to my amazement, answers I received. Through His words, God revealed how much He loved me despite my sins, despite years of running away from Him, and that He had forgiveness for me if I would just turn to Him and ask for His forgiveness. I was struck by Romans 2:1-4, and immediately felt the weight of my sin. There I was, shifting blame on others for the pain I felt, when I had done the same things to God! And yet, His kindness is what was leading me toward repentance....... I kept reading and Romans 5:6-8 hit me like a ton of bricks. That He forgave me while I was still a sinner and at my lowest point, blew my mind. I had to look up from the page, so many thoughts rushing through my mind and heart. I knew I had run from God, and made a mess of my life, losing pieces of myself along the way. But yet, in the midst of this, God sent His only Son to die for me. For me? I was completely blown away. Why would anyone, least of all the Creator of this Universe, die for me? In overwhelming gratitude for the reality that I didn't have to carry the burden anymore, because He had already paid the price for my burdens, I accepted the free gift of grace He was offering me by His death and resurrection, bringing me from a life of brokenness that deserved death to a life of wholeness in Christ that brings joy and freedom. 

In life after saying "yes" to Jesus, I am not perfect, nor is my life perfect. I struggle, and have to give over my selfish desires daily, asking God to replace them with His goodness. I have to daily agree with God on my sin and ask Him to give me His characteristics instead of my own. The difference in my life now is that I have a firm foundation to lay my hope in for my life and my future. Out of gratitude for what He's done to redeem my life do I want to tell others about Him. So what does it mean to be redeemed? I think this is a perfect explanation: 

redeem \ri-ˈdēm\: 1a:to buy back: 2:to free from what distresses or harms: 2a:to free from captivity by payment of ransom 2b:to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental 2c:to release from blame or debt: 2d:to free from the consequences of sin 3:to reform 4:to restore 5a:to remove the obligation of ...by payment 5b:to exchange for something of value 6a:to atone for 6b(1):to offset the bad effect of.

Jesus has released me from the chains of bondage I once felt. Out of gratitude for what He's done for me, I want to live my life for Him. To put it into better words:

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. 

Psalm 116:1-2

God offers this gift to everyone who will accept it. Will you accept this gift too?

The Storms Calm.

Can we say, hurricane? Texas isn't really known for hurricanes, but one decided to pass on through this week, bringing some tornadoes with it. Using the rain to feel productive in my work (doesn't it usually make people tired?) I dove into the tasks at hand. God's teaching me to joyfully plan for my future, even though it feels like a mess sometimes. When I finally ventured outside I was shocked. I love thunderstorms, but never really think about God in them. But this week was different. The storm was so powerful I couldn't help but see God's mighty hand all over it. I felt God crying out to His creation: "Here I am! Turn from your worldly desires and trust your life to me." His power was so evident, and just as quickly as He began the storm, He ended it. His power to set nature in motion and to calm it is incredible. It reminds me of this verse.....

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" 

Mark 4:39-40

How telling of me. That even the wind and the waves obey Jesus at the sound of His voice, and yet I still lack faith. Just like the disciples who saw with their own eyes doubted, I too doubt whether God will come through on His word. Even though He has never once failed me or forgotten to use my trials for good. His promises are true, His word never comes back void, and in this drive through the raging wind and water, I could see the One who is worthy of all my trust, for He has the power to calm any storm, even the ones in me.